You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh