I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
