I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
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On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
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Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him