Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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