when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
