Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
