your thong is hanging out like whoa
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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