It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
