oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
