I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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