he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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