Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
