Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
