I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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