The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
the condom got lost in my hair
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
