just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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