Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
