I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
