sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
