she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
