my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
