this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
