if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
