I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
