"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
