Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
