im about as happy as oj after his trial
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
