Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
