the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
