I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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