I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
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today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
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I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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