I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
