peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize