I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
