I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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