in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
