Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i may or may not be watching the land before time
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
