zippers are such a cool invention
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
