how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
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