Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
