Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
