It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
