I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
