god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
