Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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