i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
