just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
