Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
