So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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