come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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