I want to stick my p in your. b.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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