im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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